We’re Jess and Mike; a couple on our journey to parenthood from Barrow-in-Furness in the North West of England.
Jess is currently studying her Level 2 in Counselling. When not studying or manning the blog, Jess is currently working with local charities on improving services beneficial to mental health, and supporting those affected by baby loss. Jess paints, and leads a community singing group with her sister, Jenny.
Mike is a commercial professional working in the defence sector. A writer at heart, Mike pours his words into the blog, and works on his own fiction novels and short stories in his spare time. Mike is a fierce campaigner for mens mental health awareness, and in the month of November can be seen removing his beloved beard to sport a dashing moustache for the annual Movember campaign.
We are big believers in the phrase “a problem shared is a problem halved”. If there is anything we have learned throughout our experiences with miscarriage, it’s the power of sharing experiences and breaking down the social norms of how we deal with them.
This blog is about some of those experiences. Approach with caution – it gets emotional! But we also want to bring some light, and therefore lightness, to an otherwise really rubbish situation. By sharing our experiences, we hope that it may somehow help others. One of the most painful things about dealing with miscarriage is not knowing anyone else dealing with the same situation or feelings.
Did you know that they estimate that as many as 1 in 4 of all pregnancies end in miscarriage? It’s a pretty staggering figure. But how many people do you know that openly talk about their experiences with trying to conceive? When we started trying for kids, we knew this figure, but were only aware of a very small handful of couples that we knew, from hearing second-hand, that they had experienced miscarriage.
Now that we have experienced it, we understand the pain of going through it. It can be smiling or coming up with convoluted explanations when someone asks about trying for kids, or suggests that you’re pregnant when in fact you know that your baby hasn’t developed. We understand the need for privacy – it is absolutely nobody else’s business what you choose to do with your life, and whether or not that includes having children. And if you are trying, we understand the desire to keep it a secret. Whatever your reasons, it’s your life, and we all have to find ways of navigating our experiences in the way that’s best for us.
So when we experienced our first “missed miscarriage” in January 2019, we kept it mostly to ourselves. We told close friends and family, but for the most part, we dealt with on our own. We didn’t know anyone that had been through it, and had never even heard of a “missed miscarriage”. We didn’t find that keeping the first miscarriage a secret was helpful to either of us. We desperately wanted to talk to people. To know that we weren’t alone. To know that other people go through it, and to not feel like there’s something “wrong” with us.
So, after we experienced our second “missed miscarriage” in June 2019, we decided to let it all out. To be honest and open about our experiences. Because by pretending that wasn’t what happened the first time, who is that helping? We truly hope that by opening our hearts to people, that some comfort for others may be found that we just didn’t have.
So, this is our honest, raw account of our experience so far. If you feel it will help you, or even just read through sheer curiosity, please feel free to read and share it. May it bring you comfort, peace, love, or knowledge. Or all 4.
All our love,
Jess and Mike